Anglo-Saxon Kings

I have a certain fascination with the Anglo-Saxon era of English history. It's just so barbaric. It may be a horribly inflammatory thing to say, but the Normans really did bring civilisation to England. However, one thing that the Normans did, sadly, do away with was a history of decidedly awesome given names. All the Roberts and Charleses that follow 1066 are just boring compared to some of these, in this comprehensive list of awesomeness:

Kings of East Anglia: Wehha, Eorpwald, Ecgric, Æthelhere, Hun, Beornwulf, Guthrum the Old.

Kings of Essex: Sledda, Sexred, Sebbi, Sigeheard.

Kings of Kent: Hengest, Æðelberht I, Eorcenberht, Hlothhere, Mul, Oswine, Eardwulf, Cœnwulf.

Kings of Mercia: Pybba, Penda, Ecgfrith, Wiglaf, Wigstan, Ælfflæd.

Kings of Northumberland: Eoppa, Glappa, Frithuwald, Hussa, Æthelwald Moll, Osberht, Guðroðr, Sigtrygg Caech (those last two were Norse, but awesome).

Kings of Sussex: Berhthun, Watt, Bryni.

Kings of Wessex: Cynric, Cynegils, Seaxburh, Æscwine, Ine, Cynewulf.

Kings of England: Eadred, Eadwig, Æthelred the Unready, Edmund Ironside.

Briefly, before the Norman conquest, there was a brief period of Danish rule - four Danish kings of England. As their nomenclatural awesomeness ratio is 100%, it's worth listing them in full: Sweyn Forkbeard, Canute, Harold Harefoot, Harthacanute.

If your name is 'Forkbeard', you are awesomeness in the flesh.

"The Shoes of the Fisherman's Wife are Some Jiveass Slippers"

There are plenty of silly-cum-profound song titles out there. You could make a long list that ultimately would be very tiresome. But this particular one, by strange-name master Charles Mingus (he was a bassist too), has a particular lunacy all its own.

Until searching Wikipedia just now, I presumed that the title sprung fully-formed from the head of Mr Mingus (his surname really ought to be spelt ‘Menzies’). But it turns out, and obviously it’s not coincidence, that there was a book released in 1963, 9 years before Mingus’s, called “The Shoes of the Fisherman”. There was a movie too, starring the Mighty (Anthony) Quinn. The book’s got a priesty-looking person on the cover, so it’s a religious thing. How the slippers fit in, I’ll never know.

Oh, other compositions by Charles Mingus include: “All The Things You Could Be By Now if Sigmund Freud's Wife Was Your Mother”, “Oh Lord Don't Let Them Drop That Atomic Bomb on Me”, “She's Just Miss Popular Hybird”, “Pithecanthropus Erectus” and my personal favourite, “Don't Be Afraid, the Clown's Afraid Too” – on the same album as the present selection. Oh those wacky bassists.

"Urban Shocker"

The Wikipedia page doesn't have much to say, really. He was a baseball player. He threw a spitball (terminology ridiculous enough to warrant its own page here). He played with the Yankees. He died from pneumonia. He was, as the picture reproduced above shows, a decidedly handsome man. The Wikipedia page has nothing to say about just how awesome his name is.

I've already spoken about the adjective-noun name 'Inky Mark', which is pretty awesome. But as adjective-noun names go, this one rocks its socks. It could be a genre of horror film. It could be the name of a horror film. Or a report on city crime or some other thing. Alternately, it could be a decidedly metropolitan version of a classic sexual hand position.

Wikipedia does report something even more awesome: Mr Shocker's birth name was actually Urbain Shockor, which is also cool, and I hope is pronounced with a French (i.e. Pepe le Pew) syllable stress. That would make my day.

"Milton Born With a Tooth"

The rather awesome traditions that accompany naming people among Native American societies is well-documented, even further than Kevin Costner's movie "Dances With Wolves". They are, of course, rich traditions, traditions that probably predate European surnames or whatever. They frequently produce names that are definitely awesome: evocative names like Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse or the awesome-name hoarder known as Chainbreaker, a/k/a Blacksnake. They are, however, on occasion giggle-worthy.

So it was in the 1990s when Canadian government insensitivity once again pitted armed Native resisters against RCMP officers over some silly short-sighted development plan that happened (oops) to damage, disrespect or eliminate a local aboriginal culture. This happens with ridiculous frequency in Canada. In this case, it was Alberta, it was a dam that would have flooded burial grounds, and it was an arrest for an activist named "Milton Born With a Tooth" (also written as "Milton Born-With-a-Tooth".

All due respect, etc., but just try to deny the awesomeness of that name. Go on, I dare you.

"Butt Hole Road"

The phenomenon of place names (towns or roads) with inadvertently naughty names is one that's pretty well-documented online. Who out there doesn't know of that little town in northern Austria or the one in Newfoundland or whatever... It's a pot I won't dip into too frequently for the mere fact that it's too easy. You can easily find lists of rude toponyms, and for me merely to copy those lists would be dull and pointless.

But... you've got to love 'Butt Hole Road'. I love it oh so much for several reasons: First, 'butt' is pretty innocuous as a slang word anyway, and 'butt hole' is rather a euphemism for the genuine slang term, spelt differently as it is in the United States and the United Kindom, for the anus. Second, 'butt' is largely an American word anyway for the behind, so it's entirely possible that the residents of Conisbrough, Yorkshire only realised its inherent funniness years after Americans would have found it funny, had they known it existed. Third, even though the Wikipedia article talks about how the embarrassed residents of (the four houses located on) Butt Hole Road were so shamed by their street name (not to mention annoyed that delivery companies thought they were joking while giving addresses on the phone) that they coughed up £300 to have it changed to the rather blander "Archers Way", the Google Maps page still lists it by its good ol' name. Fourth, it's apparently just a few kilometres away from Scunthorpe, the awesomely-named town in England whose name causes all sorts of trouble with Internet obscenity filters because of the rather filthy word buried deep within... seek, and ye shall find.

"Manholes"

There are some words whose inherent silliness gets lost to us as we repeatedly say them over the years. In effect, we get numbed to their inherent sillness. “Manhole” is certainly such a word. In case you happen to live under a rock or something, a manhole is a tunnel that goes from the road surface down to the sewers or whatever happens to be underneath the roads. Yes, it is a hole in the ground. Yes, it is designed for men to climb down (women are, I believe, allowed to use them). So 'manhole' is a very literal name for them. Charmingly so, I suppose.

Except for how silly and vaguely sexual the name is. Like, did nobody realise the snicker-potential of the name? Did nobody think it might evoke, say, the anus? Or was the word just coined in a different, tamer era?

Pitcairn Place Names

I have a fascination with Pitcairn. It just might be the coolest place in the world, and I'd love to go there sometime before I die. An autonomous nation dependent on the British crown, Pitcairn is about as remote as it gets. It's a single island in the Pacific. Population? 50. Fifty people, that is. Fifty people, one nation, one Google site (http://www.google.pn/), for reasons I'll never understand. The whole place is too good to be true. The vast majority of the residents are the descendants of the Bounty mutineers, and pretty much the entire country was involved in a sex scandal a few years back. They have a full system of government, but with only fifty islanders... you tend to see the same names recurring again and again. They have their own language, Pitkern, which Wikipedia has a page about, including such selections as:

You gwen whihi up suppa? - Are you going to cook supper?
Ye like-a sum whettles? - Would you like some food?
Humuch shep corl ya? - How often do ships come here?

And to top off all of this awesomeness... there is the map of Pitcairn itself. It's not a big place, and since all fifty residents live in the 'capital', Adamstown, there's not much geography. But what there is is awesome by the acre. Sights around Pitcairn, important enough to show up on the map, include "Where Dan Fall", "Bitey-Bitey", "John Catch-a-Cow", "Oh Dear" and "Little George Coc'nuts". Just try to tell me that's not awesomeness in a nutshell.

This blog entry mentions http://www.blogsurfer.us/ in it.